lunablossom's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cha-cha-cha-changes... I know from some reading I've recently done that this is the time for big changes. Out with the old and in with the new sort of thing, but I never expected the changes to be so huge. I didn't know that the changes would be so scary I'd be chased back to the safety net of my online diary. I've tried several times to get back into the habit of it but never really made it. It never really seemed neccessary. I didn't need it so desparately like the time I tried to commit suicide or the breathless anticipation of my children being born. Things have been building up, though. Excalating to heights that make my muscles tense. Classes start on the 18th. I don't have any finacial aid yet, no daycare for Keira, none of my books. So when I got here the first things that popped into my mind to write about wasn't the stress of school at all. I first thought about the snow. The first real snow in years. It blanketed the ground just thick enough to roll around in. It feel in soft wooly sheets just long enough for our hands to get red and cold. Then as we were sitting at the table drinking hot cocoa and eating cinnamon toast the sun came out and the snow was gone just like that. The snow made me want to write again (I haven't written anything in months) It made me want to take pictures again. It felt good to was dishes while the kids yelled "A toast to the toast" around the kitchen table and clang their cocoa mugs together. I was content. Then I thought of writing about how many friends I've lost along the way. How many have left abruptly and how many have just faded away. When you're in kindergarten making pinkie swears under the monkey bars nothing could ever tear you apart but when you've become an adult and a distance of a country separates you it isn't so easy to remember the pinkie swears. It's easy to just let go. Like a gasp of cold air that person is lost to you forever. But you can't hold on to them. You can't hold your breath forever. How many times have we let out that great big sigh only to realize we can never get that breath back again. We can't hold on to those that want or need to leave, we can only hold on tightly to those that stay. Just don't blow too hard or you might lose those too. (Remind me not to breath next time you're in the area, Nyx.) So change is everything. Even the moon is always shrinking and growing, never in the same place in the sky. Love and faith follow the same path and all we have left of the past is our dreams. I dreamed of Beth Bonelli and Heather Frasier the other night. It was one of those dreams where everything turned out just like you'd planned it. One of those futures you'd written about in the notebook you kept all your short stories in. But I've breathed too much in these twelve years past, I've damn near panted and now all but a few of the friends I had are gone. I like to think that I'm starting over. I'm going back to college, getting all my bills straightened out, doing it right this time... but when I stop and open my eyes I realize I've lost so much that I can never replace. Things aren't the same at all and all I have left of the past is my dreams. 10:44 p.m. - 2007-01-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cha-cha-cha-changes... I know from some reading I've recently done that this is the time for big changes. Out with the old and in with the new sort of thing, but I never expected the changes to be so huge. I didn't know that the changes would be so scary I'd be chased back to the safety net of my online diary. I've tried several times to get back into the habit of it but never really made it. It never really seemed neccessary. I didn't need it so desparately like the time I tried to commit suicide or the breathless anticipation of my children being born. Things have been building up, though. Excalating to heights that make my muscles tense. Classes start on the 18th. I don't have any finacial aid yet, no daycare for Keira, none of my books. So when I got here the first things that popped into my mind to write about wasn't the stress of school at all. I first thought about the snow. The first real snow in years. It blanketed the ground just thick enough to roll around in. It feel in soft wooly sheets just long enough for our hands to get red and cold. Then as we were sitting at the table drinking hot cocoa and eating cinnamon toast the sun came out and the snow was gone just like that. The snow made me want to write again (I haven't written anything in months) It made me want to take pictures again. It felt good to was dishes while the kids yelled "A toast to the toast" around the kitchen table and clang their cocoa mugs together. I was content. Then I thought of writing about how many friends I've lost along the way. How many have left abruptly and how many have just faded away. When you're in kindergarten making pinkie swears under the monkey bars nothing could ever tear you apart but when you've become an adult and a distance of a country separates you it isn't so easy to remember the pinkie swears. It's easy to just let go. Like a gasp of cold air that person is lost to you forever. But you can't hold on to them. You can't hold your breath forever. How many times have we let out that great big sigh only to realize we can never get that breath back again. We can't hold on to those that want or need to leave, we can only hold on tightly to those that stay. Just don't blow too hard or you might lose those too. (Remind me not to breath next time you're in the area, Nyx.) So change is everything. Even the moon is always shrinking and growing, never in the same place in the sky. Love and faith follow the same path and all we have left of the past is our dreams. I dreamed of Beth Bonelli and Heather Frasier the other night. It was one of those dreams where everything turned out just like you'd planned it. One of those futures you'd written about in the notebook you kept all your short stories in. But I've breathed too much in these twelve years past, I've damn near panted and now all but a few of the friends I had are gone. I like to think that I'm starting over. I'm going back to college, getting all my bills straightened out, doing it right this time... but when I stop and open my eyes I realize I've lost so much that I can never replace. Things aren't the same at all and all I have left of the past is my dreams. 10:44 p.m. - 2007-01-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||