lunablossom's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something Between Death and Eternal Pain Today I go in for an ultrasound to make sure my insides have grown any extras since the last time we saw them. For those of you who have never had an ultrasound they fill your bladder to capacity when even the most stalwart are starting to do the pee-pee dance and then they press on your bladder with a cold goo covered paddle. It's not a fun experience. I have the strangest mixed feelings about it, however. On one hand I know I don't want to have cancer. I've had relatives who have died from it. Sick from the chemo and not willing to live a life in pain, my grandmother told the doctors "no more" and quietly sucummed to cancer. So no, most of me does not want them to find a tumor nestled quietly against my cervix. On the other hand, cancer does seem infinitely more treatable and beatable than the alternative. If they find nothing there then it's got to be endomeitriosis. The only treatment for that is a never ending cycle of birth control. For everyone who knows me, you all know what utter torment that will be for me. For those of you who don't just keep in mind that I have an extreme aversion to progesterone. That means the main ingredient in most if not all birth control pills makes me crazy. So I can live with pain for the rest of my life or I can live with psychosis all of my life. Not much of a choice. So yeah, half of me wants them to find something that could be causing it, something removable, something treatable; I don't want it to be cancer but isn't there some happy medium between cancer and Endo? Something between death and eternal pain? 7:59 a.m. - 2006-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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